Current mood:

tired

It feels like every couple of months I hit this same point again, and post about it in here again.

Last night I had one of my classic breakdowns- over everything- the bottom of the barrel had been scraped and there was nothing left to give for myself or for anyone I love.

There has been a lot going on in my house recently, and as always, I seem to take it all on board as my own problems- I just can't help it. I should probably start from the beginning.

My Dad reached a major achievement last week by completeing his first open water sailing race. I was at the finish in Southport and was met by a very very weathered and beaten crew, who explained to me that the weather and seas were worse than in any Sydney to Hobart they had sailed. What a race for my poor papa to be christened with. Since then he has been pretty down. Everyone is so proud of him, and has continually told him so. He the picture of what sailors with disabilities is all about, yet this race showed him he wasn't able to do everything he had hoped he was able to do after his operation.

On top of that, mum is in Europe at the moment, so where we would generally share the "job" of trying to uplift dad, its all feeling pretty lonely. It's just shitty, I don't know how to deal with it properly- I know he's depressed, and I'm doing everything I can to care for him, so that nothing else can bring him down, but I feel like I'm even struggling with that. I honestly have so much apprciation for everything my mum does, but now I have even more. The house is a mess- its dirty. The dog hasn't been on nearly as many walks as he should have been and the fridge is full of rotting vegetables that I don't even have the time to consider cooking.

It feels so self centered writing all this now, but I seriously have reached the bottom. I don't mind being there and helping everyone, but sometimes I need to be looked after too.